It's been a while since the last Hi Fever advice column, and a lot of that has to do with the calibre of questions we've been getting. Some are unpublishable (presented here with edits for our younger readers), some aren't worth acknowledging as questions, and all are obviously made up. Actually, one might be real.
But I'm answering them anyway, because of my passion for advice. Send us something legit at hifever40@yahoo.com or jarofpaperclips@gmail.com!
Q: My boyfriend sleeps on top of monkeys. I really want him to get it down to just one monkey. What should I do?
A: The easiest way to respond to this is with stuffed animals in mind. Am I right? So, well, it sounds like you're dating a child. Replace his monkeys with pillows and see how he reacts. If he's fine, keep him around. If he can't sleep without monkeys, you need to break it off.
Q: Is broccoli safe to put up your [behind]?
A: Probably not, but if it's sterile, I guess it's ok. Check with your doctor. If you're mature enough to bring it up to him or her, you're mature enough to give broccoli a try.
Q: I need more balls in my life. Who can help me with that?
A: There are two ways you could go here: you could visit any sporting goods store, OR you could try to meet some available men. The good news is that sometimes it's easy to do both at the same time! You could take up a new sport and make some friends at the same time. Good luck!
Q: Someone said they want to give me a portugeuse omlet [sic]. What is that?
A: Have you looked it up anywhere else on the internet? I just did. I thought you made it up! I can't print this.
Q: I really want a dog, but I live in a tiny apartment. My roommates think it would be ok if i got a small dog but, it seems wrong for her to have no space to run around. What do you think?
A: Good question--it's great that your roommates are fine with it, but you've hit on something really important about the space issue. A dog could make you happy, but she or he deserves to be happy as well. And I know what doesn't make dogs happy: small, cramped apartments. And think of the money. Owning a dog at this point in your life will result in that dog effectively going to your ATM and withdrawing more of your money than you ever thought s/he could. You should wait until you move somewhere with more room.
That's it for today, everyone. Until JoP changes its name (that's another thing: suggestions? we need to do better than what's sitting on my desk), you can send your questions either to Hi Fever's address (hifever40@yahoo.com) or to us at jarofpaperclips@gmail.com.
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