New Feature: Preview, Survey

This month-long break I have has got me thinking, reflecting, wishing, and being inspired about JOP. Here are some ideas I have for new regular features in 2010:

1) Guess that tweet! Here, I will post a tweet and you guess who it is. For example:

Just got in the house. Feeling tired from working 30 Rock. Getting ready to crash. Good night my loves.

Im a good parent so ill induce the labor

Who do you think that could be?

2) Song of the week. This is where one of your JOP writers was really struck by a song this week. Maybe they will embed it for you or link to a youtube of it.

For example, this week I was really feeling...


3) Advice column. We've done it before, we'll start it back up again. Believe me, we have a HUGE BACKLOG of questions to answer.

4) Blingee of the week. We scour blingee.com in search of the week's best blingee. If it's not there, we'll make our own.

So what do you think? Any/all/none/delete existing features [five pic friday?]/crazy new ideas??

Merry Christmas

Christmas movies are vast and varied. You've got comedies, sentimentals, "quirky", romantic...and the list is endless. My favorite is White Christmas. Yes, it's true! I was born 65. The AMC marathon today is a Christmas miracle. I keep catching random scenes and can quote them. I've still got it! My sister and I used to act out the Sisters number. We probably still would with enough eggnog.

Genius is Brief

This Achewood is excellent:

http://achewood.com/index.php?date=12212009

Christmas Songs

Even before the poll to the left of this post, I was wondering about how many Christmas songs annoy me. Now, its not really the cheesiness that gets to me...sometimes its just hearing the same songs over and over again and enough already.

I do feel bad, but I can't stand John Lennon's "Happy Christmas (War is Over)". There's something about the line "let's hope that its a good one, without any fear"--just seems like a weak line to me. And although I do like the subject matter in "O Holy Night" the tune drives me crazy, its just too over the top, like its a display of the vocal talent of whoever is singing it.

I've been listening to Sufjan Steven's five disc Christmas album. He released one each year for a while, and recently released them all together. There are a lot of great hymns on these discs. There are also short little takes on traditional Christmas songs, they serve as small breaks in between more rambunctious tunes. I like a lot of the songs, but not all of them. And a few I like a lot. I like his versions of "I Saw Three Ships", "Once in Royal David's City" and "Bring a Torch, Jeanette, Isabella". My favorite original tune is "We're Going to the Country." All in all, these albums have really gotten me into the Christmas spirit for which I am thankful!

I use to make fun of "Same Old Lang Syne" by Dan Fogelberg, but now I really love it.

You thought I was gone... I'm not...too bad.

Here are Kneeker's off-the-cuff (more likely, off-the-mark) predictions for the next decade. :

Politics:

-Obama will be re-elected. A Republican will be elected the next president after him (not Sarah Palin, but she will be on the TV a lot.)

-The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq will end, but not the way we wanted them too. (whooda thunk?) But, we'll get into a new war probably.


Technology:

-Computers and Television will merge. My best bet: people will have laptop computers that plug into a television and act like a cable box. Plus they'll have remotes. Internet service will provide more than enough bandwidth for High Def television, wherever you are. Television companies will suffer a fate similar to that of magazine companies currently.

- 3-D televisions will start to take off. Watching porn on them will be irresistible. Civilization will grind to a halt.

-Most people will have their genetics tested in a medical setting. Possibly even have your entire genome sequenced. Insurance companies will use this information to screw you.

-Gas will hit $10 a gallon. People will bitch about it.


Pop Culture:


-Jessica Simpson will start dating Gen. McChrystal

-Tiger Woods will start playing golf again by 2011. And get re-married by 2012.

-The Carolina Panthers will win a Superbowl, UNC basketball will win 2 more national championships.

-Zach Galifinakis's star will continue to rise and he will have roles in many hilarious movies.

-There will be a Tim and Eric Show Movie, as well as an Arrested Development Movie.


Personal:

-I will get married. Most of my friends will become married, some of them to the people they are dating now. We'll start having kids, become lame, and start avoiding each other.

If I think of more, I'll letcha know.

TARP repayment

Citigroup announced it will repay its portion of 2008's bailout money. How does $20 billion sound to you, American taxpayer? I like what I'm hearing, like that the government might turn a profit on its investment in the bank.

Bank of America will repay its loans also. The two helped bring the total repaid to $116 billion repaid, though most came from smaller banks. In all the government lent $453 billion of the $700 billion program. So far, pretty good. It seems possible that parts of the program will actually make money. Such a shocking statement bears repeating:

Something the government did will make money.

Despite the Bush administration's best laid plans, one of its ideas might turn out to be a good one, and with swift results. Did you ever think you could say that?

Friday LOLZ

I know people don't want to hear about Facebook. They're doing another "change" for our own "good", but let's face it - doing away with the regional networks sucks (almost as much as complaining about Facebook changes...but it's Friday).

I had not fully comprehended what this meant until yesterday....when everyone took their profiles private. Who doesn't like to just browse their own network sometime?? Thanks Facebook for taking that small joy away from me. Now to actually see/stalk someone's profile I'm going to have to friend them? What the heck! I guess Facebook was banking on the fact that everyone would leave their profiles open. One person that did actually do that (update: for like 15 seconds because now it's private) was Mark Zuckerberg. Valleywag's story has me LOLing. Some of my faves are from: Kevin Colleran's "random pics from my new camera, Aug. 2006" and Scott Marlette's "Lake Tahoe - Opening Night".

More importantly - who knew he had a girlfriend?

Couplings

I resisted this story when I first read it...because it seemed pretty bogus. Today I found confirmation on People and it's kind of weirding me out. From 98 degrees to Smashing Pumpkins? I kind of think Joe "Papa" Simpson played a big part in this...per usual.

Who's pumped for Lost The Final Season?? Kate doesn't look it, but I am!

The Worst Driver...in the World!

Today I met the world's worst driver as I drove on Raleigh's Lynn Road past Lynn Road Elementary School. Keep alert for a woman with short blond hair, in her 40s, barreling down roads in a black Jaguar.

I met her when she came up behind me in the left lane at about 9:05 in the morning. What's going on at 9:05 on a weekday morning beside an elementary school? You guessed it: school speed limits.

The posted speed limit on Lynn is 45mph, and during school times it's 35mph. My speed stayed between 40mph and 45mph, already beyond the limit. The woman in the black Jaguar pulls up behind me and flashes her lights at me. On a city road. In a school zone. Flashes her lights.

Of course she passes me at the first moment. The woman follows the same path on Lynn as me through several lights, allowing me to study this specimen of horrible driving. What do I see her doing at the stop lights and while driving? You guessed it: applying makeup. She's caking her face, in a moving vehicle. At 55mph. On a busy street. Driving alone.

Gross negligence should not go unpunished. Such people make me wish I drove a Batmobile, for my safety and to slam into their cars.

Sunday Sports Summary

The craziest sports days leave Sportscenter anchors breathless at the top of the broadcast. Saturday was one of those days.

It started with (alma mater alert!) UNC's hoops game at Kentucky. This season I will cheer against Kentucky, and not only so the Heels can pass them in the "Race to 2,000 Wins", which is important because college basketball will be canceled forever when one team reaches that mark. I will root against them because John Calipari is an ass who will probably ruin their program someday.

UNC thought the game ended after about three minutes, when the Wildcats scored 28 points to the two points UNC mustered. For the rest of the game they played catch-up, and made the final look respectable. But without a 100% John Wall, it was bound to get closer.

The McDonald's Mastercard College Football Championship Saturday, Race to the Citi BCS National Championship presented by Dr. Pepper followed basketball. Florida's Tim Tebow, the greatest person in the history of the Earth, lost to Alabama, and will be bronzed alive a la Han Solo and placed outside of The Swamp, bowl game be damned.

Most people who tuned in to the Big 12 Championship presented by Every Company in the S&P 500 rooted for Nebraska, first for parity's sake and then for pity's sake. The Blackshirts (so-called because they almost never wear black shirts [go figure]) only put nine players on the field for offense, or so it seemed as they gained 106 yards for the whole game.

(Both teams combined to gain 308 in the game. Alabama, facing the nation's top defense in many catagories, gained 274 yards in the first half.)

The Huskers managed to turn those yards into 12 points, and if they hadn't donated 55 yards on penalties to the Texas scholarship fund and the football team, the BCS polling computers would have exploded. We could have seen a non-BCS school, TCU, play for it all. It's a damn shame that five teams won all of their games, and only two get the chance to win the national championship. Shame on college football.

Speaking of national championships (alma mater alert!), the Tar Heel ladies soccer team won title number 20, more than every women's team in every Division I sport at every college ever. The field hockey team also won a natty, making the Heels the defending champions in three team sports.

2009: Year In Review: Best Blingees

Blingees are the world's highest art form and not everyone has a talent for them. Here's a retrospective of the ones that entered the Hall of Fame this year:

Cheetahs: F that!

Today in Broadsheet*, Mary Elizabeth Williams discussed a recent New York Observer article about the new wave in subtly degrading women: cheetahs! I'm not linking to the article, and I didn't want to read the article, but apparently a cheetah is a woman who gets you drunk, goes home and seduces you, and spends the night? Is this news?

Two important points were raised in the comments: 1) if a woman takes you back to her own house, she has no choice but to spend the night; 2) if a man is so drunkenly incapacitated as to be "taken advantage of" by a woman, he probably won't be able to have sex. Soooo, does this thing exist at all? If so, why is it a problem? Have women come up with a cute name for men who get them drunk and take them home...besides "my new boyfriend"?**

But that don't matter, because for these writers it's "time to trot out the old 'sexual taxonomy of women' satire... You can fart it out before your first latte has kicked in, and the thing will pay for itself in outraged comments and blog links."

True. LaZy WrItiNG aLeRt!

Williams breaks down the six reasons this is annoying, and it's so great. One good point:

"5. Pop rhetorical quiz time! Why is it that gay men can classify themselves as bears and otters and all other manner of creatures and it seems cute and sexy, but female sexual animals are somehow just pathetic?"

And:

"Because the funny thing -- funny strange, not funny ha-ha -- in each eager new spin on the women-as-cougars-and-cheetahs-and-pumas-and-kittens-and-ocelots story is the same old criticism of us for our sexual choices and erotic initiative. Whatever species you name it, it's all just catty. Mrrrreeer!"

*I like Broadsheet way more than Jezebel, and way way way more than The Frisky (almost goes without saying, but I want to make myself clear: I hate The Frisky), and of course much more than The XX. As a "women's issues" column, Salon has really won with Broadsheet.

**Obviously there are other names for this behavior, like "rapist" and "felon." But I'm talking about what happens every weekend at most bars in the world. Sans tranquilizers, plus low self-esteem.

The ACC/Big Ten Challenge

The Big Ten finally won the Challenge last night, after ten previous failures, and I couldn't be happier. They won basically on the heels of a Wisconsin upset against Duke, who lost for the first time in Challenge.

People (well, its CEO, at least) used to say about General Motors, "As GM goes, so goes the nation." Perhaps people will say, "As Duke goes, so goes the ACC." If that's the case, fine. I'll take an ACC loss every time if it means Duke loses and UNC wins. (By the way, the Heels beat the Spartans three times in less than one year. They are also 5-0 against them in the NCAA Tourney. Can we play them every year?)

The Big Ten backers say that the Challenge is meaningless, that the conference should be judged by NCAA Tournament spots and yada yada yada. I disagree; it does show conference strength. Since the last Big Ten national championship (Michigan State, 2000), the ACC has won four titles, going 3-0 against the Big Ten in the championship game.

Such is the result of the real ACC/Big Ten Challenge.

Upcoming on JOP...

Do you hear what I hear (that is, if what you hear is a "2009: the Year in Pictures" series)????

Visit your other sites for recaps of the decade; here at JOP we are concerned with one thing only: 2009! and that includes a big big big big big backlog of unanswered advice questions.

So Merry Christmas to you, and STAY TUNED!

Express Lane Slow-Down

We haven't had a good rant in a while...here comes one.

I bought a few items at the grocery store this evening, and I wanted to get out quick. Normally I follow Apu's Rule of Checkout: Always pick the line with the most single men who aren't old. They, like me, want to be out of that store (any store) as quickly as possible before they spend more money.

Luckily, Food Lion has an "Express Lane" for customers with 12 items or less. This figure is explicitly posted on the aisles. I had 12 items or less; I went there. In front of me stood a father and his son, holding a bottle of Crisco and an onion. "Jackpot," I thought.

In front of them stood a woman with a shopping cart. The cashier proceeded to ring up 22 items. All I could do was shake my head and watch it happen, like a man in handcuffs watching the police beat his friend.

Combined the woman and the man purchased 24 items, which worked out in the end, but that is no excuse for breaching the rule. A murderer cannot say to a judge, "Between you and me we have averaged less than one murder, so really the murder didn't happen."

If you have 13 or more items, get out of the Express Lane, before the murderer and the judge take you out.