Movies in prison 2

The other day I published the list of ladies to watch on screen while languishing in prison for a life sentence. It was a crime I didn't commit. The warden likes me; he asked for a list of 5 women in film. He got all their movies. Today the warden is going for the men. If you know me, you know who'll win. If you don't know me, you'll be glad of that. Here's the list:

Most likely to make this list someday: Johnny Depp. Except for the second Pirates movie, I have never seen a Depp movie I didn’t enjoy. That includes most of his oeuvre. His weirdness appeals to me, another weird guy. How does he not have an Oscar?

#5: James Stewart

Everybody loves Jimmy Stewart. He’s the nice uncle you wish you had. Or Grandpa. He’s got roles in at least 3 “Greatest ______ Movie of All Time.” He’s one of the most-impersonated actors ever. If Frank Capra and Alfred Hitchcock love you, you’re a great actor and you will appear in great movies. He's the most likely to calm that prison riot raging outside your cell.

#4: Tom Hanks

Saving Private Ryan and Toy Story are terrific. I’ve seen Apollo 13 more times than any other movie. But Tom gets credit for his ability to make me chuckle, like he did in Big, The ‘burbs, and The Money Pit. Plus, he loves space. I hope he appears in more space flicks in the future. If I want to imagine myself as far away from my hellish prison life as possible, I can't go further than space.

#3: Michael Caine

I was surprised too when he ended up here. But he knows how to entertain with movies like A Bridge Too Far, Alfie, and The Man Who Would Be King. I’ll level with you. He makes the list for The Dark Knight. Batman, will you spring me from this nightmare?

#2: Sean Connery

There was never any doubt about him. I’ll watch anything he’s in. Like the third Indiana Jones, Highlander and The Rock. He’s always cool on screen, and that voice, I love it. And wasn’t there some fellow named Bond? Speaking of voices, number 1 is…

#1: Arnold Schwarzenegger

I said you didn’t want to know. Arnie will replace Stewart as the most-impersonated actor ever. Well, “actor.” Would you call his performance in Twins and Kindergarten Cop acting? I love his ability to defeat machines, aliens and even Satan. As if a puny human could pose a threat. I watch everything he’s in. I wish he wasn’t off trying to save the real world.