In the words of Timbaland, "It's been a long time, we shouldn't have left you, without a dope beat to step to."
5) Justin Timberlake
You haven't released an album in five years. Sean Parker was on top with Napster, went away, and roared back as part of Facebook. Come back and take your crown!
4) Wiz Khalifa
Tell a girl that you "ain't gonna flex" and "not gonna front" and she'll slant. Slant? Yes, I can use fake verbs too. But "you know if I ball, then we all gon' strut." That's true; I can't argue with that.
3) GLEE cast
Get some original songs.
2) Britney Spears
This hurts me more than it hurts you. "Hold It Against Me" the song was OK. I like that she's going for a new sound. But the video? Where was Brit? I saw a wedding dress, some TVs, but barely any her. Single #2, "Till the World Ends", is a tacit admission that Ke$ha, the song's author, is better than her. She ain't, but to allow that thing to be thought gets you on the list.
1) Black Eyed Peas
Only a SEAL team surgical strike against all their recorded music can save us.
Showing posts with label pop stars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pop stars. Show all posts
Friday, May 6, 2011
Friday, November 12, 2010
Wretched Popstar Countdown #2
Also receiving votes: Far East Movement-I liked this song when I first heard it. Then loved it. Now it's mildly annoying. "Far East Movement" could be a cryptoquote for "One Hit Wonder." Notice to top 5: Look out below.
5) Katy Perry
Her tits are on fire? HER TITS ARE ON FIRE!
4) Ke$ha
I wanted to pick someone new, but it can't be done. I like this video though. It's a 22nd-century Rocky Horror Laser Show.
3) Kid Rock
Purposely poor singing or alcohol-induced vocal destruction?
2) Gwyneth Paltrow
Great actress, lesser singer. She has potential to elevate her game and drop off the list.
1) Black Eyed Peas
They reached a new low, even for a group digging for the bottom.
5) Katy Perry
Her tits are on fire? HER TITS ARE ON FIRE!
4) Ke$ha
I wanted to pick someone new, but it can't be done. I like this video though. It's a 22nd-century Rocky Horror Laser Show.
3) Kid Rock
Purposely poor singing or alcohol-induced vocal destruction?
2) Gwyneth Paltrow
Great actress, lesser singer. She has potential to elevate her game and drop off the list.
1) Black Eyed Peas
They reached a new low, even for a group digging for the bottom.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Wretched Pop Star Countdown
JOP does the lion's share of bringing people together and creating harmony.
Not in this space! This is the new feature: Wretched Pop Star Countdown.
(WPSC will appear whenever the standings need to change.)
#5) Men
Fellas, where are you? The hottest act running is still a child. Usher is waaaay past his prime. Rappers like B.o.B and M.n.M. qualify for the pop charts. Where are you, Justin Timberlake?
#4) Florence + The Machine
Ranking based solely on the fact that she's British.
#3) Fergie
She's not a recent offender, but her work ruining eardrums in the last decade earned her a spot on the inaugural list. Have a listen to her singing in Nine.
Are you back? OK, what have we learned? First, she sounds great. Second, she sounds awful everywhere else. Ipso facto, she sings poorly ON PURPOSE. Producers for her and the Black Eyed Peas want her to suck. What have we come to, when awful singers are the norm for pop music? We've come to the top 2.
#2) Ke$ha
On principle should be No. 1, for providing songs as wretched as they are catchy. Comes off as totally insane, and not in a cute way. Take it from Christopher Woods, student at the Ivy League school where Kesha W/ Dollar Sign will soon perform:
“She’s the most talented musician I know. As far as pop music is concerned, hers has a really good musical quality to it.”
What Ivy League school is he from? That's right, Dartmouth. Yikes.
#1) Katy Perry
Congrats Katy! You earned the top spot, and inspired this new JOP feature, for your pitiful performance on SNL. She danced like an average 7th-grader. She and the lead guitarist had the chemistry of 7th-graders. Does she really, actually sound like that? How does someone like that get a record deal? Oh, right.
Not in this space! This is the new feature: Wretched Pop Star Countdown.
(WPSC will appear whenever the standings need to change.)
#5) Men
Fellas, where are you? The hottest act running is still a child. Usher is waaaay past his prime. Rappers like B.o.B and M.n.M. qualify for the pop charts. Where are you, Justin Timberlake?
#4) Florence + The Machine
Ranking based solely on the fact that she's British.
#3) Fergie
She's not a recent offender, but her work ruining eardrums in the last decade earned her a spot on the inaugural list. Have a listen to her singing in Nine.
Are you back? OK, what have we learned? First, she sounds great. Second, she sounds awful everywhere else. Ipso facto, she sings poorly ON PURPOSE. Producers for her and the Black Eyed Peas want her to suck. What have we come to, when awful singers are the norm for pop music? We've come to the top 2.
#2) Ke$ha
On principle should be No. 1, for providing songs as wretched as they are catchy. Comes off as totally insane, and not in a cute way. Take it from Christopher Woods, student at the Ivy League school where Kesha W/ Dollar Sign will soon perform:
“She’s the most talented musician I know. As far as pop music is concerned, hers has a really good musical quality to it.”
What Ivy League school is he from? That's right, Dartmouth. Yikes.
#1) Katy Perry
Congrats Katy! You earned the top spot, and inspired this new JOP feature, for your pitiful performance on SNL. She danced like an average 7th-grader. She and the lead guitarist had the chemistry of 7th-graders. Does she really, actually sound like that? How does someone like that get a record deal? Oh, right.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Mysteries of Our Time
I've been buggin' because I can't figure out who Gold medal Figure Skater Evan Lysacek resembles. He looks boy-bandish in the 2nd photo - but that aside, who else does he remind you of?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Gaga
I love Lady Gaga.
I suspected it from the start, but Bad Romance clinched it. It confirms her title of Best Booty of the Decade. The crazier and sexier the pop star the better. Her fashion sense supports her insanity. She digs chicks and dudes. Hot.
Yet Gaga would never confine herself to the pedestrian role of Pop Star. The 23-year-old aimed for the top: Pop Legend. (The female Pop ___ hierarchy goes: Star, Sensation, Diva, Legend). How does one reach such status and how soon will she get there? The scale:
A Star needs one or two hits without using a musical instrument. Her first album, The Fame, gave us four top-10 singles and two #1s, mostly while just dancing and dodging photographers. Check.
A Sensation needs a couple more hits, preferably from another album, or to stir up some controversy. Bad Romance reached #2 on the charts. MTV lists her as its most popular artist. She simulated bleeding on stage at the MTV VMAs. Check.
A Diva is dramatic, insane, or both. Mariah Carey and her addictions come to mind. Britney Spears and her marriage? pantilessness? child-rearing? support her Diva status. As for Gaga, have you seen her clothes before? Ever? Check.
Finally, a Pop Legend sustains Diva status for years, and creates numerous hits. Madonna holds the crown for all-time Pop Legend (remember, this is the female scale). Mariah and Britney await on the threshold, if they haven't passed it already. Gaga's not there yet.
Lady Gaga is new on the pop scene; even Rihanna is old by her standards. Gaga's song-writing ability and great dance beats shot her to the top in an instant. Her bizarre nature will keep her there for years to come. And in my heart forever.
I suspected it from the start, but Bad Romance clinched it. It confirms her title of Best Booty of the Decade. The crazier and sexier the pop star the better. Her fashion sense supports her insanity. She digs chicks and dudes. Hot.
Yet Gaga would never confine herself to the pedestrian role of Pop Star. The 23-year-old aimed for the top: Pop Legend. (The female Pop ___ hierarchy goes: Star, Sensation, Diva, Legend). How does one reach such status and how soon will she get there? The scale:
A Star needs one or two hits without using a musical instrument. Her first album, The Fame, gave us four top-10 singles and two #1s, mostly while just dancing and dodging photographers. Check.
A Sensation needs a couple more hits, preferably from another album, or to stir up some controversy. Bad Romance reached #2 on the charts. MTV lists her as its most popular artist. She simulated bleeding on stage at the MTV VMAs. Check.
A Diva is dramatic, insane, or both. Mariah Carey and her addictions come to mind. Britney Spears and her marriage? pantilessness? child-rearing? support her Diva status. As for Gaga, have you seen her clothes before? Ever? Check.
Finally, a Pop Legend sustains Diva status for years, and creates numerous hits. Madonna holds the crown for all-time Pop Legend (remember, this is the female scale). Mariah and Britney await on the threshold, if they haven't passed it already. Gaga's not there yet.
Lady Gaga is new on the pop scene; even Rihanna is old by her standards. Gaga's song-writing ability and great dance beats shot her to the top in an instant. Her bizarre nature will keep her there for years to come. And in my heart forever.
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