4 Stories I'm Sick Of Hearing

We live in a 24-hour news cycle, where media outlets deliver stories that appeal to the lowest common denominator. So stories types get cycled every year, which you could remove the names from the stories and publish them anew every year.

1) Apple product features and, especially, defects.
Apple products are cool. They work well. People like them. Apple might have sold 1 million iPad 2s after its launch. Yay! One out of every 300 people might have one. Or will in a few weeks. It's understandable that it would sell well, because they only cost $234,867. Middle-class parents are definitely lining up. And when I hear that the backlight on the device doesn't work properly, I feel for them. I really do.

Product defects often are important stories. Take the Toyota Prius. Most people did not own the car. But if a car is out of control, you don't have to own one for it to affect you. "Apple, I can't watch my Toy Story 3 download in the maximum possibly quality." I don't care; keep it off TV.

2) NCAA Tournament snubs
Every season people fly into a tirade because the NCAA selection committee declared their team to not be among the 37 best teams that were not good enough to win their conference tournaments. Including those champions, the teams missing from the bracket probably didn't crack the top 50.

Bummer. The 45th best team is not good enough to win the national championship. This isn't college football, thank goodness, where teams good enough to cut down the nets, so to speak, get left out every season, even unbeaten teams.

"Snubbed" teams can increase their chances by winning their conference tournament. Do that, and they get a guaranteed berth in the Big Dance. Because every conference (except the Ivy League) awards its auto bid to the tournament winner, and every team in every major conference plays in said tournament, every team has a chance to win the national title by winning every postseason game. "We're definitely one of the 50 best teams," should not be a rallying cry.

All snub stories-All-Stars, Oscar nominations, etc.-should be banned. Most people will never receive an Oscar nomination. Most actors will never receive an Oscar nomination. Hell, most good actors will never receive an Oscar nomination. Not getting an Oscar nod is the norm. The norm is not newsworthy.

3) Can ____ win ____ election?
Elections are not won with talent, game-planning and hustle like sports teams win games and championships. At least, not in the same sense. It's all about opinions, and the more recent the opinion the more important it is. Still, news agencies publish stories on their front pages. For example, today CNN featured an article titled "Possible 2012 GOP Candidates."

Political predicting is irrelevant. Need proof? A May 2007 article forecasting the 2008 election called Obama the #2 Democrat who would lose to Giuliani or McCain. The author went on to say, "No one knows it yet, but the real frontrunners are John Edwards and Mitt Romney." Enough said.

4) Celeb A feuding with Celeb B on Twitter
Twitter has its uses, like announcing sales and breaking news. If you want context, intelligence, question AND answers (Twitter can deliver 1, not both), go elsewhere. You want inane banter, sniping and speech without the PR filter? Go see who's twittin' what. But please, CNN, ABC, etc., leave these nit-twits where they belong, off the air.

Wretched Popstar Countdown #2

Also receiving votes: Far East Movement-I liked this song when I first heard it. Then loved it. Now it's mildly annoying. "Far East Movement" could be a cryptoquote for "One Hit Wonder." Notice to top 5: Look out below.

5) Katy Perry
Her tits are on fire? HER TITS ARE ON FIRE!

4) Ke$ha
I wanted to pick someone new, but it can't be done. I like this video though. It's a 22nd-century Rocky Horror Laser Show.

3) Kid Rock
Purposely poor singing or alcohol-induced vocal destruction?

2) Gwyneth Paltrow
Great actress, lesser singer. She has potential to elevate her game and drop off the list.

1) Black Eyed Peas
They reached a new low, even for a group digging for the bottom.

Who's to Blame? Us!

President Obama says "BP will pay" for the oil spill. And they should. They ran the Deep Horizon oil rig, neglected using adequate safety measures, and watched it explode hours after an inspection team left. Yesterday BP announced it will pay $20 billion to make the Gulf better than ever.

Terrific. Good. Yay.

That ain't enough.

BP is directly responsible, sure, but at the end of the line is, well, us.

The world's growing thirst for oil will be sated by someone, somewhere, as long as there's profit to be had. BP's relief wells will generate money for them, which will probably go straight to the relief fund, because it's poetic that way. But until we get full of oil, this will happen again, somewhere, to somebody.

I hope Obama uses this disaster for political capital. Normally a queasy tactic (Bush+9/11=Iraq War), the president can use the spill for kicking the oil habit. It was one of his campaign planks, and now's the time to get it done.

What doesn't worry me about the Times Square plot

If Faisal Shahzad is responsible for parking the SUV in Times Square, like he allegedly admitted to authorities, I actually feel a little safer.

Shahzad claimed he went to Pakistan to receive bomb training. His bomb consisted of fireworks, gas cans, and propane tanks. Mr. Shahzad, you got ripped off. Any idiot can think of that. I hope this is the best the Pakistani Taliban can do.

What worries me more is the way they caught him. A little more than two days passed between first noticing the bomb and having the man in custody. That seems right to me. But how in blue blazes did he board a plane to Pakistan, despite being on a watch list?

The Feds were tracking him, yet lost him. D'oh. That's bad, but I suspect it happens more often than not. Allegedly Shahzad drove to JFK, walked to the Emirates counter and purchased a one-way ticket, to Pakistan, IN CASH. These things should set off warning bells in the Emirates employee's brain.

"Hello, I need to leave the country immediately and forever."
"And where are you going sir?"
"Hmm. Somewhere nice this time of year. How 'bout Pakistan?"
"Will that be Visa or Mastercard?"
"Dozens of $100 bills, thank you."

2010 Hoops (Sucked)

I didn't watch one second of the national championship on Monday night. I knew how it would go down, and I couldn't bare to see it happen. I have avoided the highlights so far, and God willing I will never see them. It's all part of the plan to pretend it never happened.

The 2009-2010 basketball season and tournament will forever be remembered by me as the one I don't remember. UNC played its most disappointing season in its 100-year history, and the tournament was a perfect nightmare. I couldn't describe a more soul-crushing way for it to unfold.

Just a few more days and this dook thing will blow over, and I can resume forgetting it.

The Worst Driver...in the World!

Today I met the world's worst driver as I drove on Raleigh's Lynn Road past Lynn Road Elementary School. Keep alert for a woman with short blond hair, in her 40s, barreling down roads in a black Jaguar.

I met her when she came up behind me in the left lane at about 9:05 in the morning. What's going on at 9:05 on a weekday morning beside an elementary school? You guessed it: school speed limits.

The posted speed limit on Lynn is 45mph, and during school times it's 35mph. My speed stayed between 40mph and 45mph, already beyond the limit. The woman in the black Jaguar pulls up behind me and flashes her lights at me. On a city road. In a school zone. Flashes her lights.

Of course she passes me at the first moment. The woman follows the same path on Lynn as me through several lights, allowing me to study this specimen of horrible driving. What do I see her doing at the stop lights and while driving? You guessed it: applying makeup. She's caking her face, in a moving vehicle. At 55mph. On a busy street. Driving alone.

Gross negligence should not go unpunished. Such people make me wish I drove a Batmobile, for my safety and to slam into their cars.

Express Lane Slow-Down

We haven't had a good rant in a while...here comes one.

I bought a few items at the grocery store this evening, and I wanted to get out quick. Normally I follow Apu's Rule of Checkout: Always pick the line with the most single men who aren't old. They, like me, want to be out of that store (any store) as quickly as possible before they spend more money.

Luckily, Food Lion has an "Express Lane" for customers with 12 items or less. This figure is explicitly posted on the aisles. I had 12 items or less; I went there. In front of me stood a father and his son, holding a bottle of Crisco and an onion. "Jackpot," I thought.

In front of them stood a woman with a shopping cart. The cashier proceeded to ring up 22 items. All I could do was shake my head and watch it happen, like a man in handcuffs watching the police beat his friend.

Combined the woman and the man purchased 24 items, which worked out in the end, but that is no excuse for breaching the rule. A murderer cannot say to a judge, "Between you and me we have averaged less than one murder, so really the murder didn't happen."

If you have 13 or more items, get out of the Express Lane, before the murderer and the judge take you out.

Philadelphia is closing its public libraries!

This is the most fucked up thing ever!

http://libwww.freelibrary.org/closing/

I don't know about you or the people of Philadelphia or the people of America in general, but I certainly wouldn't mind paying a little more in taxes!!!! This is what happens when you insist on tax cuts in tough years, fools. We all lose. Congratulations.

UPDATE:

This is from an interesting comment on Consumerist about it. A different side of the story and still fucked up! Let's get it together, people!

What's happening is that city leaders are making a highly-visible yet token "cut" that's designed to annoy people and convince them that higher taxes are acceptable. Once people accede to this manipulation — which is really no better than an extortion scheme — these conniving officials are relieved of the obligation to do what they ought to have done in the first place: make the serious and genuine kinds of budget cuts that would actually make a difference ... such as cutting waste and graft, and paring the size of government down to something which is both manageable and affordable. They squander money in ways you would not believe — and they do it all the time, under the illusion that it's the best way to operate.

Example 1: The Connecticut DOT could not be bothered actually managing a construction project, so they contracted out that task to a well-connected company. Only that company, which was paid millions to supervise it, did absolutely nothing. The work done was poor and had to be redone. In order to avoid paying to redo it, the construction company liquidated itself, its owners reconstituted as another firm, and proceeded to lobby for more state business. CT DOT officials — who obviously had no problem with this situation — were ready to award them more work, when the story was reported and the state A.G. had to step in. The re-work took another 2 years and a great deal more money, only some of which has been recovered.

Example 2: New York City public schools are famously home to what are called "rubber rooms." These are places in which tenured but incompetent teachers are allowed to sit and do nothing all day, yet earn their salaries for having done nothing. You see, they cannot be fired, no matter how bad they are; since they are by contract "entitled" to work, this is the only way to keep them from hurting kids' education or harming them.

Both of these examples, and more, are basically ways in which money is sucked out of the public coffers, for no good purpose ... and which are actually, actively defended by some officials, who consider these to be good ideas.

It's not just Philadelphia that uses this scheme of token, annoying, noticeable cuts to entice taxpayers into paying more ... governments at ALL levels (municipalities, counties, regional authorities, and states) across the country do it. It's an old trick, but curiously, it seems to work more often than not, and most people are blissfully unaware they're being "played." The cold hard fact is that government officials profit too much from bloated government and artificially-high budgets, for them to slice them down to size.

Look out, here comes some sports

The NBA is considering shortening its season. Please do it! I need this. America needs this. We are addicted to sports.

The NBA season is already very long. It lasts 82 games, each 48 minutes. Most college teams play only 40% as many minutes during their seasons. Yet even that season feels too long. It amazes me that in our ADD world, our sports are getting longer. The NFL is in serious discussion to lengthen the season by two games. We already deal with endless, endless, draft coverage. 

We take note of fewer things for less time in life in general, yet we focus longer on more sports. That clearly means we are addicted. We can't send an entire nation to sports rehab, so the only other solution is for the sports to help us. Help us by shortening the seasons. Not just in the NBA, but everywhere. 

Because I'll relapse.

This is Raleigh

At the Hurricanes game Sunday, one of the highlights for me had nothing to do with hockey. During one stoppage in play, the video board displayed a welcome message for 2009 national champion Tyler Hansbrough, whom they showed sitting in a nice seat enjoying the game.

I cheered, but everyone else leapt out of their seats, frothing at the mouth, in a desperate attempt to undo the past and alleviate their pain by killing a former college basketball player. Just a few minutes later, the video screen displayed a welcome message for 1983 national champion, and current NC State coach, Sidney Lowe. He received...NO reaction. 

C'mon State fans, where's your pride? Lowe delivered the same thing Psycho T did, and he gets nothing for it? Later in the game the camera again focused on Lowe, as if the arena people were saying to the crowd, "Seriously, cheer this guy at least a little bit." He did receive warm applause, but nothing like the viscerally negative outburst poured on Tyler Hansbrough.

Everybody hates Hansbrough. I get it. I don't get why seemingly so few Carolina watch hockey. The Hurricanes fans now do the same think Wolfpack fans do during the national anthem. They shout "Red" as in "the rockets RED glare." A bit tacky, but it shows your allegiance. 

I discussed this with my girlfriend's dad as we left the game and walked toward the car. He asked simply, "Why aren't there more Carolina fans at the hockey games?" Some Idiot in front of us turned to say, "This is Raleigh."

The rest of the discussion went mostly like this:

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean there aren't any UNC fans in Raleigh,"  I said.

"This is Raleigh," Idiot said. "No UNC fans here."

I looked at him incredulously. "But I'm a UNC fan and I live in Raleigh," I said.

He huffed. It seemed to him that not only did UNC fans not live in Raleigh, they could not and would not commute to Raleigh for any reason, certainly not to watch a hockey game. 

"This is Raleigh," he stated again and again.

I realized I would be unable to convince Idiot of that UNC other than myself do live in Raleigh. I decided not to discuss it any further. But my girlfriend's dad did not. He kept on the point, but Idiot continuously rebuffed him with "This is Raleigh."

I guess Idiot's thinking was, "I live in Raleigh and associate with people of type X. Therefore, there cannot be any people other than type X living in Raleigh." Just because you say it does not make it so, Idiot.

Other things Idiots have said throughout history:

Herr Idiot: "There are no Jews here, this is Deutschland!"

Mate Idiot: "There are no Aboriginals left here in 'Straya."

Cowboy Idiot: "We don't have no fags here, this is Texas."

Watch out UNC fans. If you dare to attend a Hurricanes game, lookout. The Idiot lurks. He will find you, and scream one thing at you, a la the guy from 300: "THIS IS RALEIGH!!!!"

The Birthplace: Big F'ing Deal

Yesterday I saw an Ohio plate which, like all others, said, "Birthplace of Aviation." Long has Ohio pissed me off in this regard. 

The Wright Brothers were born in Ohio. Terrific. They labored on their ideas of flight in Ohio. Grand. Ohio is the home of Wright-Patterson Air Force Base and blah blah blah. Ohio's role in flight history is unquestionable. Yet its natives always neglect one thing:

The first flight ACTUALLY HAPPENED in North Carolina. 

Ask your parents where to find your birthplace. They won't tell you it occurred quietly in a Fort Lauderdale Motel 6 while your older siblings were asleep on the next bed. They'll say, "The Baptist Hospital," or "the back seat of our car," or whatever it says on your birth certificate. They say that because that was the place where you were ACTUALLY BORN. 

Your parents, like most people, understand that ideas don't count for shit, actions do. Nobody cares where Michelangelo thought about painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. They just want to see the ACTUAL MASTERPIECE. 

So some guys thought up the moon landing in a smoky Houston conference room, or a smoky Washington Congressional office, or in a smoky lab at Cape Canaveral. Wherever it was it was certainly smoky, because a bunch of stressed scientists pressured by the government to beat the Russians to the moon in the 1960s are going to smoke a lot. Anyway, no one cares where they thought it up, just that the moon landing occurred, (shock) on the moon. 

Ask someone about D-Day. They won't know a damn about where Eisenhower & co. planned it, nor would it matter. A great idea is nothing without actions. The Wrights could have grown old and died with ideas about flying, but unless they took their Flyer to Kitty Hawk we might never have known their names. 

In 1802 Congress passed the Enabling Act. It allowed residents of the then-Northwest Territory to begin formal steps to its eventual statehood. Sure, this was but one step of many in bringing Ohio from a wilderness to a U.S. state. Most of the credit goes to the men and women who toiled on the land and populated it extensively enough to eventually reach statehood. They were doing the real acting in bringing the state of Ohio from an idea to a reality. 

In Washington it was merely a brainchild of politicians. Congress debated the ways to make Ohio a reality. Men like Charles Pinckney and Gouverneur Morris surely discussed theories about admitting Ohio to the Union. 

Hmm...ideas, debates, theories. This sounds familiar. Perhaps Washingtonians should start referring to their hometown as "Washington: Birthplace of Ohio."